This is the reason why I needed a blog again: to write the things that I feel when I feel them and not have to care about whether people are going to respond appropriately.
I found out today that I'll soon be having to say goodbye to my dad's best friend, a man whom I've known for years and who I care a lot about. My wife has been asleep for an hour and a half or so, and I've just been roaming the house on my own being sad, thinking about him, and thinking about my dad.
I've been fortunate that, in my life so far, I haven't had to say goodbye to too many people. More, all the deaths I've had to cope with have not been mine... in the sense that they don't belong to me, the way that my own mom or dad's death would. The people I've had to be sad about have all so far been people... I've loved, to be sure... but haven't been immediate to me.
This is why I didn't want to post this on Facebook: people would be sending their condolences as thought I deserve to be in people's thoughts. There's something that strikes me as awkward when people do that. I feel uncomfortable owning other people's deaths in this way. Though I feel sad, and thought I feel loss, my feeling have never compared to those of their "main" loved ones.
Still, though. Saying goodbye to people is hard. Realizing that I'll never again have the opportunity to see someone I love is tough.
And that's pretty much all I want to say. I'm sad. I find it hard to go to sleep right now. I want to remember today, and I don't want to say goodbye yet. I want to put words to these thoughts, to help cement the experience. Whether someone else ever reads this is of no consequence to me. I value my experiences as a human being, because I too will someday die, and I treasure my memories, because they are the only thing I have. So I'll start my new blog today, in honor of the person with whom I'll soon be parting ways.
This sucks though, let me tell you.